In this hilarious episode of the Am Writing Fantasy podcast, Autumn and Jesper share the most stupid magic spells, and extremely useless magic systems, they can think off. 

Listen in, have some fun, and learn about a spell animating walking tea cups, a more than deadly magic system made up by Autumn's evil mind, and lots more.

Tune in for new episodes EVERY single Monday. 

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Read the full transcript below.

(Please note that it's automatically generated and while the AI is super cool, it isn't perfect. There may be misspellings or incorrect words on occasion).

Narrator (2s):
You're listening to The Am Writing Fantasy Podcast in today's publishing landscape. You can reach fans all over the world. Query letters are a thing of the past. You don't even need a literary agent. There is nothing standing in a way of making a living from writing. Join two best selling authors who have self published more than 20 books between them now on to the show with your hosts Autumn Birt and Jesper Schmidt.

Jesper (30s):
Hello I'm Jesper and I'm Autumn. This is Episode 110 of the Am Writing Fantasy Podcast and this is one of our alternating lists and things might go a bit crazy here today, as we talk about the worst Magic Systems or Spells that we can think of.

Autumn (50s):
Oh, I cannot wait for this one. They had so much fun coming up with this list.

Jesper (57s):
Oh yeah. I, I got a bit of inspiration as well from, from the internet, but I'll, I'll talk more about that once we get to the list, but then some <inaudible> I can't wait, but how are you doing? Oh my God. Well, you know, we had a bit of a snow storm recently, and so we actually have no power that goodness, the house where we're at as a generator. So that kind of, you know, B and everybody kind of calmed down and just stay in and watch Netflix and get some writing done.

Autumn (1m 28s):
So that's always a good thing, but it just, you or emailing about a snow storm and all that, that's not good. It was a heavy, wet snow. I, it wasn't deep. It was just really heavy. So it broke things, but, you know, it's, you know, I just do my best to say off the news as much as possible, because otherwise it's like, you just keep watching. I keep thinking of like, by the time this is by the time this podcast is published, since we're recording early, that it's like, wow, hopefully the world's and a happy, safer place, then it feels like The for this week that were entering right now. But I will keep my fingers crossed. Oh yeah. Yeah. The, the things that are going a bit creepy over there and you'll part of the world's that's for sure.

Autumn (2m 11s):
Yeah, there is no other way of putting it. I just keeping my head down and writing and editing I'm on the edits for my next book release for the tainted face. So that's good. I actually put out a spreadsheet. What I did it, I thought I'd like, you would be proud because I always avoid spreadsheets and what we have. I made a spreadsheet for my edits and so I could tackle them organized matter and that they're going well. So I'm, I'm happy that way. Oh, that's right. Yeah. So how are things over there? Well, we are still in partial lock-down and Mark at the moment. It's a bit worse. So they've made more restrictions again.

Jesper (2m 52s):
Now we, we can still go grocery shopping and go for a walk outside, but that's more or less it and everything else are not really allowed. So I guess I'm starting to go a bit crazy or being locked up inside like that, but I'm, I'm sure I'm not the only one who is feeling increasingly annoyed at COVID 19. That was just so freaking annoying. But now I'm going to say, because it is named 19 because it is 2019, it's 20 to 21, but now that we should be again, moving on, but to get to what the program COVID.

Autumn (3m 26s):
Yeah, totally. But yeah, I mean, that's my mom and I'd go back and forth and I want to see my parents so badly. And obviously I can't right now, but we share a lot of pictures of what we are baking. And then a lady who's a property where we're at at, and I go and talk to her and we were talking about baking. I am like, I think this is what we're doing. Or if it's winter it's Vermont, there was too much snow for her to go for a really long walk. And let's you want to go to like snowshoeing and you know, we just talked about bacon. Yeah. Yeah. What else could you do? Exactly know, but I think a part from all of that, that things are well going well, well you are, and I mostly, you have to be in to stop the redesign of the Am Writing Fantasy website.

Autumn (4m 11s):
So that's pretty cool. I was so excited and it looked so good and that the it's just a pleasure to be on there and look at it and let me get so pretty. Yeah. So if any listeners want to check out what it looks like, then a just go to a Am Writing Fantasy dot com and check it out, let us know what you think. Yes. I would love to hear.

Jesper (4m 31s):
Oh yeah. And we've also been a busy as well. 'cause we have also moved our entire email list from ConvertKit to MailerLite and you'd be getting organized There that was a huge task, but I think it came out well, and we've been writing you can't forget the fact that you and I are writing a novella together. And so we're getting that good of the kinks of that worked out as well. Yeah. So it looks like all in all things that are going well after a wall would just have to ignore that COVID monster. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Narrator (5m 6s):
A week on the internet with The Am Writing Fantasy Podcast

Jesper (5m 12s):
Cute and warm. Welcome goes to Dominic, all the latest SUPPORT on Patrion and welcome Dominic. It's so great to have you. Absolutely. So, yeah, as I've said, many times before, you know, if you haven't checked out Patrion already, please find the link in the show notes. We do try to offer a ton of rewards over there. And there are also the Wiki posts about writing and also book marketing. And I'll leave it to you to guess who's writing what posts. I don't know. They don't know if it's that. Well, yeah, it's a title they think, Oh, you don't think so. Oh yeah. Well at least if you're listening to the podcast for quite awhile, you can probably guess who's doing Writing post and who is doing bookmarking tools, even though we Krause hats occasionally,

Autumn (5m 59s):
But Yes, I don't know if he saw the message from Garret today, but I have started doing a description to Saurus inspired by the emotion of this story. So on. So I started with Forrest's and he said, you know, and love is describing the forest is as much of what is the current story isn't in the most difficult thing he is working on right now. So it was just like, I must have been reading in his mind because I just gave him a whole bunch of ideas for the forest and it was novel. So yeah. I just love that.

Jesper (6m 30s):
Oh yeah. That's very cool. Yes I did see him to the post office, so that, that was cool. Yeah. Yeah. So if you haven't checked it out already, go, go and check it out. And at least see if it's something for you and yeah, we'll be happy to have you.

Autumn (6m 48s):
Absolutely.

Jesper (6m 48s):
Anything else we should mention a Autumn before we start going crazy with our Spells?

Autumn (6m 54s):
Only, I just want to give another shout out to Luke and Jayson or moderators on Am Writing Fantasy because they deserve a shout out occasionally, cause they are, are gatekeepers. Like, Oh my goodness. That group is growing by leaps and bounds and is so much fun. And they, they are moderators who are entertainers. Well, I think it's a science. I love to see what they're antiques are. Yeah, it does the Facebook group.

Jesper (7m 19s):
So just search for Am Writing Fantasy under the groups on Facebook, if you want to be part of that community, they're, it's a, it's really funny, you know, that there is some, there are some good banter going on once in a while. And there is also a lot of helpful stuff. Pupil are helping each other out with advices and stuff like that. So it's really great. Luke usually pitchers in and helps with a good advice. And Jason, just a post, a ton of a inspirational questions. It's fantastic. Can you think about, yeah, he caught me and one of them he's so mean. I saw that. Yeah. That was so funny.

Autumn (7m 58s):
Let you down the rabbit hole. He did totally

Narrator (8m 3s):
Cool. And on to today's topic.

Jesper (8m 7s):
Yeah. So as I said at the top of this is one of the famous or perhaps in famous or infamous, so yeah, that might be the way to go, but it is one of our alternate alternating lists anyway. And a w I guess we'll try to have a bit of fun with this one. Autumn I think so, because so much fun coming up with it. I mean, there is the serious side, which I did a little bit of internet research and I did see that a lot of readers who had a number one worst Magic Systems they, like you ask that on a forum or a post and yeah. And they were the first thing, like 99%, I would say there is, they would be frustrated with inconsistent or poorly defined Magic Systems were a Magic user as could not do something in one book or one chapter.

Autumn (8m 52s):
And it was fun. It just fine in the next, or are they also the second, the runner up would probably have been, or where are the heroes have God like power and they just can't be defeated. And they would also need a superheroes like Superman. Yeah. They was like, here, there is no real tension. You're never worried. So I avoided those. But the one that I came up with, I went with actual magical ability is that if they existed, I would probably possibly have to turn down the ability to have Magic, which that's just like, what? I can't believe it would be the magic is an option. And I would say, no, that was what made my lists.

Jesper (9m 33s):
So yeah. Yeah. It was to try to go to the most silly way I could think of it. You know, like, like if I was amazed, this will be the Most USELESS Spells it could have that. It was kind of what I was trying to go for it. Well, this will be good. Yeah. So of course a, you know, maybe some of what we were saying probably nobody's wants to copy these Spells because they are quite USELESS, but maybe something will prompt another thought in somebody's mind and they might get a bit of inspiration for something. But otherwise this is just going to be a bit of fun today. So you can do a sort of leaning back and listen to a bit of a crisis stuff, but I think it would be perfect and it, maybe it will inspire us a moment of humor and some ones novel somewhere that would be kind of cool too.

Autumn (10m 22s):
Yeah. Before, before we get going, did you find it difficult? Autumn to try to work out some really USELESS Spells like I said, well, how, how did you think about it? Because to me, actually, it was harder than I thought it was. I actually came up with like four and I actually stuck most, mostly in the Magic Systems whole system. So we're going to actually have some really different things, which will be exciting, but I came up with For pretty easily. And then I finally came up with a fifth one, I think yesterday, but I did, this is one where I started last week and I did not, you know, I did not wait into the 15 minutes before we started recording. I actually did my homework and thought about this one pretty seriously.

Autumn (11m 4s):
Oh, wow. What a change? We just have to come up with some nonsense topics. And then you, what are you going to start going to do? Homework would be so serious about that nonsense topics. Okay. Absolutely. A very professional podcasting contrary ask my husband. It was probably more contrary than me. Yeah, no, actually I honestly found it a bit harder than I thought I thought, because it was like, if I was, if I was amazed and I felt like this was going to be the most stupid Spells that I could have, it felt like that I was actually harder than I thought, because then as soon as I started thinking about something, then I thought, well, actually, maybe in that situation it could.

Jesper (11m 48s):
So it was like, Hmm, how can you, how could I come up with something where it's a little, almost like, no matter what I can think of, it would be USELESS. So that was what was the way. So yeah, as I said, I cheated a bit, but I will say which ones are cheated with and a where I got a bit of inspiration from, from the internet, but there was some really funny one. So there were two funny not to include it on my list.

Autumn (12m 9s):
I like can't wait to hear them know. I think it would be fun. So it was funny. You went with it, like, what is the Most USELESS Spells and I went with, what would it take for me? Not to want to have Magic is so it'll be two different perspectives, but these are going to be so much fun.

Jesper (12m 26s):
And then at the end we'll have to, so we can think about this as we go. And I guess the listener can as well, but I think at the end we'll need to work out, which one of the 10 entries here is the winner and which one is the worst of it at all?

Autumn (12m 40s):
Well, I can not wait to share my worst worst with you then, but will get there. That's the last one we have to start at number two. Okay.

Jesper (12m 47s):
Or the thing is we have to agree on it. So yeah.

Autumn (12m 51s):
So there will be a winner, a winner of the worst. I don't know if I want to be that winner.

Jesper (12m 56s):
Oh, well you could say that the one who came up with the worst one was to most creative. So in that way you want,

Autumn (13m 2s):
I like that one. Okay.

Jesper (13m 6s):
Okay. So yeah. Do you want to start off? Do you want me to start? Oh, I actually have ranked my mind by the way. So the number five is the least stupid one. And number one is the worst.

Autumn (13m 17s):
I Oh, so I did it the opposite. So my number one is the most, like if this existed for Magic, it probably wouldn't bother me too much. And number five is okay. Now if this existed, I might actually work on annihilating magics. Okay.

Jesper (13m 32s):
All right. We just need to work from least bad to worst. Perfect. So we work in that order.

Autumn (13m 39s):
I am ready for that. So whoever wants to start, if you want to go ahead.

Jesper (13m 45s):
All right. So number five was a kid. This was one of my internet searches. It's it's pretty bad, but I can still do worse. So I actually found a list of USELESS D and D Spells. Oh, and this is what you just really stood out to me because I don't know what the game to sign us up. Even up to maybe they've been drinking, but they, they made this, I dunno. But so this one is just an, I have no idea of which version of D and D I was in a word or whatnot. So if we have some really competent gay masters out, their please don't kill me. It's it's just a word of the intranet. Right? So it is not my fault if it's incorrect, but it's funny.

Jesper (14m 29s):
Anyway, so this spell is called banished DASSLE. So a read out to you what the spill actually does. It's laughing at myself. I haven't even started yet. Oh, no. Okay. So once the spell is cast to target, see clearly through blinding sunlight and heat shimmer reflected some light from a mirror has no effect on the target and they are immune from being blinded by Lightspeed cells. So can you walk out what that is?

Autumn (15m 3s):
Why would they have that is basically a path. So there is this just some classes for me to spell it for sunglasses. If I was in way

Jesper (15m 20s):
Spells I hope that I could do something better than casting sunglasses. It was just like it.

Autumn (15m 28s):
So that's yeah, I, that would just not be that impressive as this

Jesper (15m 34s):
Now he's like, Oh my God, it's a bit shocked today. And then I'll do my spell thingie and then, ah, it's not a sharp anymore. It's like, okay. I have all made sense.

Autumn (15m 47s):
Yeah. That's what you were doing. You were getting a little senile and you know, the brightness bothers your eyes more. Okay.

Jesper (15m 56s):
Yeah. Well, yeah, actually, maybe if you work at a, at a home for the elderly, maybe that would actually be All right. I'm casting it on some of these.

Autumn (16m 5s):
Oh, there you go. Yeah. That would be the favorite with everyone there. Ah, yeah. Okay.

Jesper (16m 12s):
So you see, actually, this is why it was the least bad of them because it actually has some USELESS

Autumn (16m 18s):
You were useful, useful, useful uselessness. There we go. Yeah. That was the way that's a tongue twister. All right. Let's say if you want to hear my, my, what? My Magic Systems that if this existed, I might be able to pull it up with it for it, if it meant having Magic. Okay. All right. So that whenever you cast a spell, a smell is also created. So this could be anything from like lavender and honey two, you know, skunk farm and you know, something rancid. And I also thought of the caveat that, of course, anything that likes to eat Magic users would definitely learn to track you by smells.

Autumn (17m 0s):
So, yeah, it's, it's a mild, this was like one, a five year five-year-old would adore. But I was thinking, you know, I don't do this. I could see the embarrassment in polite society when you're trying to cast a spell it. And it's like, it wasn't me. I made Magic as like the court wizard. Okay.

Jesper (17m 19s):
We have with the King and everything and they didn't. I tell you that you should not fall off when you're passing.

Autumn (17m 23s):
All right. So this would be quite amusing in a different world because it is funny. It did make me think that in a world building, I don't know of any Magic system where Magic actually produces a smell, it's always lights are tingling or something. Why does it smells? Why does it Magic never pass the smell. So There I challenge all those out there. Mc smells. Mc your Magic smell. Yeah. Or it could be a sound. Well, maybe, I mean, well, it's sometimes do metrics metrics. Spells does it make sense already, but its Yes male. It's the smell as good. But I was wondering if you could make, if you could make magic spells where there is a smell, but it doesn't turn it turn into like ridiculous stuff.

Autumn (18m 15s):
I mean, because imagine that you're writing your novel in and you're saying OK. And the cost of Spells a fireball at the enemy and there was a smell of lavender. It's just like it instantly turned it into what the, what is this idea that you would definitely have to create something they brimstone or solve or that goes on, you know, every spell it would have to maybe have a slightly different older that fits it's otherwise it would be, I don't know, it'd be quite the contrary where you have this devastating, horrible spell that kills people and it smells like roses and they have got a roast and a thought, ah, there you go.

Autumn (18m 57s):
Oh, well, if you had a fun kids, but if you think this would be a fantastic children, okay. Yeah. The activity then it might. Yeah. Well I have done it again. This is not too bad when we were supposed to come up with a completely useless stuff, but now we've had to go on our list already and we already found uses for them, but it's only number five. Wait until you get to number one. Okay. All right. So your number four. All right. So this is one that I came up with and I almost cannot think of a single situation where this spell would be useful, but maybe you can, maybe it maybe, maybe I'll change my mind in the minute.

Jesper (19m 41s):
Do I, when I come up with the use for this Spells I'm not sure how I'm going to concede that easily. I had asked. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Try and get it to a general direction. And so this is the ability to, or a spell that makes anything tasteless. Oh, that's horrible. What do you think about that? I think it's horrible. You know, I'm a foodie. I love food. This is just so I'm personally terrified of COVID because you can't taste things. If I couldn't taste my tea, I would just cry every day.

Jesper (20m 24s):
Yeah. And I'm thinking as well, you know that if you were in a medieval fantasy setting a, I mean, it's actually really good to things, taste bad when they're off, then you know, not to eat it, but, and even if you don't like the food, why would you want to make a tasteless and eat it anyway? Yeah. Can you think of a single situation where this would be useful? Yeah. If you need to take medicine for some horrible condition into the medicine was just absolutely patron. I just thought it's so hard about this cannot be used in any situation whatsoever. I have a really strong gag reflex.

Autumn (21m 4s):
So there's definitely, I, I have a hard time taking pills and things. So no, this was totally there's times. I would probably like that for five seconds and then everything comes back to normal. I'd be frightened. There's got to be a reverse anti tastes for me then it wasn't that bad anyway. Yeah. Okay. Every kid, yeah. Every kid who was going to take medicine for a cold or something would want this spell. Totally. Okay.

Jesper (21m 30s):
Ah, okay. Okay. I can see that's not a good one. Yeah.

Autumn (21m 34s):
I like it though. I might want that one, but yeah. So yeah, we're going for a worst. Spells that's not, ah, that's not quite that bad. It is very useful to have it in your back

Jesper (21m 43s):
Pocket as you would work out on my bad

Autumn (21m 44s):
Spill list thing. So we needed another weak for this now. All right. You ready? For my, a number of For. Yeah. All right. So for this Magic system, I went with the idea of the law of that for every action, an equal and opposite reaction happens. And this would hold true with Magic. But in this case, if you cast a healing spell your first, so while you might save your friend's life, you're going to be walking around with the extreme chance of dying in a remarkably stupid way for at least several days or more, or the opposite would hold true. And if you cast a curse that you would have to be given good luck. So I was thinking, this is what came to me is like this scene where a guy is to save his own life, has to decide if he wants to kill that curse, like his lover or As best friend.

Autumn (22m 33s):
So when you curse someone out to something horrible, like Boyles or POCs or whatever, it's just so you can save your own skin. The attention for writing this scene will be so much fun. Yeah.

Jesper (22m 46s):
Because I was like, yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking. I mean, if I was a major, I would find it pretty annoying that this is the Magic system, but if it was a Magic system for a story to that, I was going to read. Yeah. Again, it could actually be a bit interesting because you have to read it. When is it worth it to use my Magic skills and when is it not, but I'm not sure that the major's in the setting will be very happy people. Yeah.

Autumn (23m 13s):
It goes to show that we're really cruel to our characters who are like, Oh, that'd be interesting to do to them. But for ourselves in those, we love, we are like, Oh, that'd be a horrible, we should never, ever condone that. So yeah. Yeah. Well for yourself. But the,

Jesper (23m 34s):
But, but it is, I like those when, when you have this kind of a,

Autumn (23m 41s):
Well

Jesper (23m 42s):
That there is a very high price to pay for something I liked that maybe you you've taking a bit to the extreme there, but yeah.

Autumn (23m 49s):
Oh no, no. If you want to extreme, that's coming. Don't worry. Okay.

Jesper (23m 53s):
Ah, okay. Okay. Well, I can not wait almost to here what you have on your list. All right.

Autumn (23m 60s):
But yeah, I thought that way, like I said, that I would actually be tempted too, at least do a flash fiction or something along those lines. Cause it would be kind of fun to do that to a characters, but yeah, it was a Magic system. I don't know if I could do a whole book of that. Oh my goodness.

Jesper (24m 15s):
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well you could, but then I think Magic would have to be a very small part of the story. Right. So that it, it cannot be like the main character is Raceland and so on. And then at that kind of work, no, unless he just wanted to go around and like curse everybody and Hugh himself all the time. Right? Yeah,

Autumn (24m 39s):
Exactly. Yeah. He would have wonderful luck, but the world would go to shite, but he would be doing so well.

Jesper (24m 45s):
I think the thing about having a likable character sort of goes out the window

Autumn (24m 50s):
Only if they feel guilty. Well casting curses for good luck.

Jesper (24m 54s):
Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think the readers will appreciate that character very much. No, I wouldn't. Okay. So we are like in the middle of the list now. Yeah. So I want to hear your number three. Yeah. And since my first two attempts to create something completely useless, wasn't that USELESS so anyway, I've Now board or something from somewhere else. So that if this is actually useful than it's not my fault. Okay.

Autumn (25m 21s):
All right. That sounds good. Casting the blame elsewhere. I understand.

Jesper (25m 26s):
Yes. And that's usually the easiest way of doing things, you know, because then they'll know you don't feel bad about anything is never your fault, you know, I like it. And so my number three, I borrowed from the Harry Potter universe, because this one seems a, well, at least to me, both stupid and utterly useless. So I just found it. I did find it on a website listing USELESS Spells talk to at Hogwarts, if the person that wants to a laugh at some more Spells than doing an internet search for four, that just search for USELESS Spells taught at Hogwarts and you will find some lists and there was quite some stupid stuff in there, but anyway, he goes, so this was one of the ones that I found Well Most USELESS all right.

Jesper (26m 16s):
So at this point is actually from the Harry Potter books I already Oh yeah. So let's go for it. Okay. Quote, he and Ron both tapped the tea cups. They were supposed to be charming with their hands Harris sprouted for a very short legs that would not reach the desk and wriggled pointlessly in midair. Ron's grew for a very thin, might be X that hosted the cup off the desk with great difficulty tremble for a few seconds, then folded causing the cup to crack into two and three.

Autumn (26m 52s):
What is, this is the point of that smell a smell that makes tea cups grow legs. Yeah. I mean, even if you do it,

Jesper (27m 0s):
Can you spell, why would you want a walk-in tea, coffee? I just don't understand that.

Autumn (27m 6s):
So I can see one years for it and that his, if my husband knew what he would do it just to torture me so that I would have to be chasing down my tea, besides that I can't think of anything. I can't think of anything useful about it really. Are you sure? I'm sure. Other than torturing me now, I think that's all that comes to mind.

Jesper (27m 26s):
So if you were a like really lazy and a, well, somebody who is still have to put it into the cups of it, it doesn't help. Yeah.

Autumn (27m 34s):
I mean, what if it's too hot or I don't know. I mean, hell a lot of these. What's the, how well could they hold the cup and it's not going to slop all over you. I don't know. There's there's too many things. It can go wrong as Harry and Robin prove. Yeah. I just don't know.

Jesper (27m 51s):
So just to be like a complete failure as a Magic use, and this is what I can just be like, where is the Magic school please? A please let me, and then teach me something like, this is just, just a complete the new one.

Autumn (28m 6s):
Yeah. That, that, that one, you know, that'd be good for maybe a children's a tea party just to entertain them a little bit, but yeah. Havoc would reign. Hmm. Okay. So yeah.

Jesper (28m 19s):
Let's see if we can do better than that, then I'm racing the takes on you hear that, right?

Autumn (28m 22s):
Why do you feel that? I can feel it. I actually feel the pressure on this is it's like you are reaching the mid point of the chapter and you're like, Oh, something's going to happen now, but Hey, I'm going to take one from your book. And I borrowed this one from somewhere and other source that's actually comes from the book, the magicians. So it is if Magic is so complicated and effected by the natural world so easily that you basically need a spreadsheet or a computer algorithm, I'm imagining an app on your phone to double check the star charts, the tide charts, the time the sun Rose, where the moon is located and, and what constellation and the humidity of the air, the weather and all of that.

Autumn (29m 4s):
It just, it makes, Magic so complicated that it basically takes the magic out of Magic though. I did think it would be funny. Like I said, you'll have this app on your phone that says, you know, do to today's humidity and sunrise. You must turn 30 degrees to the East that to cast the spell. If you'd like,

Jesper (29m 24s):
What is it? Actually, it would be a bit cooler if it was like in the, the app where you could basically be swipe Spells. So it was me like, he's the one on the environment up today and the Star's and the moon and what not teach how to Spells available. Swipe are the ones you want

Autumn (29m 39s):
To cap. It was just like that. Actually it would be hilarious. It's just what you need is a very short story idea that it would be actually to, that would be kind of fun. Yeah.

Jesper (29m 50s):
All right. So, but are the only problem is if, if you are being attacked and you don't have any attack, Spells on your app to see your phone goes dead. Yeah. You all are better than in the middle of a dragon breathing down on you is like, Oh shit, you know, in here, but no.

Autumn (30m 8s):
Oh yeah. Well, especially if you did make it go, you know, medieval, so we don't have phones and you can do, can you just mention the scrolls a, you would have to double-check to check to the cast any Spells it would just be, that would be murderous. I'd be like, no, I'm just, I'm going to wing it and see what happens. I might turn it into a turn up. I don't care.

Jesper (30m 28s):
Yeah. I think without the, well, w without an app or something to control it, it would be a, you have to carry it around a library, just a cast once a while. I think majors would just stop casting spells its like this is not even worth it because it's much easier to just to learn how to fight with a sword instead of, or something.

Autumn (30m 48s):
That's right. That's when I was reading in the magicians because they didn't have a nap and they just, it was a very complicated like checking all of these things. And I was like, Oh, you know, if Magic was this complicated, I would be the rebels getting everything wrong because I would never ever check everything correctly. And I'd forget by the time I got to the end or the humidity would have changed because it took me so long to figure it out. So just so much fun.

Jesper (31m 10s):
What story do they have to do? They have to sell it to sort of worked out what they can cast. I mean, what else?

Autumn (31m 16s):
I honestly forget. I just remember that part of the Magic system going just know that you need a spreadsheet. It's not for me.

Jesper (31m 24s):
Okay. Well you just said that you had started at this point.

Autumn (31m 27s):
It's only for editing. If I am not,

Jesper (31m 30s):
You you're already on your cheek taking the first step. You just have to follow it

Autumn (31m 34s):
Now to add the Magic items to this spreadsheet and correlate them in. Oh yeah. Just pick it app. I'll ask my nephew to write me a new app code and I'll be fine.

Jesper (31m 47s):
Oh yeah. Well he would be even more crazy if, if, if it's like, as long as you just have the app and you could cast a spell it out, you just swiped them and then they were, I mean, you don't even have to be a Magic Magic everybody could just like download the app and, and I wonder how much of an app like that would cost you.

Autumn (32m 5s):
You said I'm sure there would be tears, but I would pay anything for God. Power is in that one. That is all. So I will sell my soul for that app. Please

Jesper (32m 14s):
I'm pretty sure I was going to be a very expensive, so

Autumn (32m 16s):
I think so to, but man, I'm going to invent that one. That would be pretty cool.

Jesper (32m 22s):
Yeah. Yeah. Well, yes.

Autumn (32m 24s):
On many levels, many, many levels are perfect. All right, let's get a number two. Okay.

Jesper (32m 30s):
Yeah, it was actually also two levels to my, my number two, because I started in one place and then I sort of changed it a bit. So, but let me just first day what to say when I started But and I changed it a bit. All right. So I try to think a bit bigger for a number two, you know, w we are approaching the top of that last year. So for this one, I actually thought about a whole Magic Systems rather than just a single Spells at first, I was sort of wondering how poor a matching system would be if it was based on dreams alone. Oh, you see? So basically you have like almost no control over your Spells.

Jesper (33m 13s):
Do you mean it's just going to be whatever your dream is, what you can cast and like yeah. It's it's going to be pretty USELESS right.

Autumn (33m 21s):
So it would be, but I am actually a little terrified because my kids, my husband actually had a dream the other night where I died. So I'm glad this was, this is when she says it is that it would be horrible if you woke up upset or at least. Yeah.

Jesper (33m 38s):
That's not good. I know this. This

Autumn (33m 41s):
Is Magic Systems is terrifying me know. Okay. Yeah.

Jesper (33m 45s):
And also, I mean, it would be pretty bad if, if let's say the oxide attacking you on it, you're like, Whoa, hold on, hold on. I just need to fall asleep for us to do this. And then maybe I could save money. Can you please stop hearing me? I can sleep when you are hitting me. Yeah.

Autumn (34m 0s):
All right. I can imagine you and your best friend has a lot of night terrors, so you're like, Oh no, you need more caffeine. Have some more caffeine. You need more caffeine. You cannot go to sleep tonight. I'm not sleeping next to you.

Jesper (34m 10s):
Oh my God. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually it would probably be the other way around. It would not be about a watch Spells you can cast it. It would be other people's trying to prevent you from them.

Autumn (34m 20s):
I guess. I just keep bumping you every time you start falling asleep. Nope. We got back up for you.

Jesper (34m 27s):
Yeah. And This but then, because then I thought, well, if it's a Magic system than me, it just should sort of be able to cast Spells when they want to cast panel. So otherwise it's sort of like, well, I don't know, then it didn't feel right. So I changed it a bit. And I said, what if you were only able to cast Spells when you were intoxicated?

Autumn (34m 50s):
Oh no. What do you think of that? I'm thinking of, it sounds like a really bad rave, but it might be fun to go.

Jesper (34m 59s):
Yeah. I mean, well, I guess everybody would be drugs. All the majors are always drunk and I mean, I, I could see me how it might work. OK. If you were planning out your Spells in advance, you know, so, so, so, so it's going to be like, okay, tonight, I'm going to have to cast the all seeing Spells that allows me to see where the enemy army is Apple or something. And then, you know, you'll have a bottle of wine and then you will cast your spell and the next day you can tell the King, well, they are to a hundred miles off. I saw it yesterday. So in that sense we might work. Yeah. But I just can't see the battle scenes again.

Jesper (35m 41s):
Right. So what does this drunken stupid visit is tumbling around with a wet battlefield and fire's shooting all of the firewalls left and right. And this is just like, he's completely drunk out of his mind.

Autumn (35m 54s):
Yeah. It would be again, probably a hilarious to, to write. And I can imagine that people going, Oh gosh, it was power is fading. Like give him a shot or, you know, carrying around them. So a Royal or a magical apprentice gets to be the one carrying the wine flask and keeping in the wizard shrunk. So it would be, it would be a hoot to, to write. And it would definitely be a, a ton of fun at a party. But yeah. You know how people use, it's so hard to stay focused. And so you'd be like, Oh, look at a pretty bird. No, not a dragon. You have to get rid of the dragon.

Autumn (36m 33s):
Yeah.

Jesper (36m 35s):
Yeah. Do you ever forget about the dragon again? Oh my God.

Autumn (36m 40s):
It could be a really good if someone wanted to write FANTASY comedy, it'd be really funny. It, even if it was just one wizard, like the most powerful wizard, this is just how it was. Magic worked best. It was like pirates pirates of the Caribbean meets Merlin. Yeah, I do it. Yeah.

Jesper (37m 0s):
Oh my God. Now you found it useful and again, okay. You need to stop doing that in my life.

Autumn (37m 6s):
I want it. I want to win this way. Sorry.

Jesper (37m 9s):
Yeah, I can hear it. So it is just not okay.

Autumn (37m 13s):
Okay. Well I'll, I'll try it to sober up. Okay. Okay. All right. So you're ready for him. My number two. Yes.

Jesper (37m 19s):
And I have to find something to make

Autumn (37m 22s):
It useful in part. Okay. Well, if you do it, that's fine because this is actually inspired by it. It's partially inspired by the wheel of time series, but I know it was not your fault. It's not my fault. If you can find a use for this one. And again, this is a variance of this would have been used in so many numerous Fantasy stories in settings. And it's, I mean, at the basics level, it's at Magic causes physical problems, but for this one to make it something that really makes me say no, if that's how magic works, don't sign me up. I'm going to stick with the extreme example. And it's not just forgetfulness or insanity your blindness or deafness, but instead, do you use a, Magic basically can interfere with your blood circulation and cause sections of your living body to start to write almost like a Necros, but that's Nick or Costco thick or flesh-eating bacteria.

Autumn (38m 14s):
So just say no, you know, do you think that comes down to chunks of my physical being, just turning gangrenous, falling off? I am good. I think I would rather go learn to use your words.

Jesper (38m 34s):
You know, where's your leg? Well, I can

Autumn (38m 37s):
Liken yesterday. It was for us. I mean, it's this slowly putrefying like get worse and like, Oh, it looks like a bruise and start turning green and spreading. And you don't know how far it's going to spread and no, it's almost like a zombie Magic it just don't know. I don't want that one, but okay. But what is, what if you are a vampire? Oh, you just kind of he'll again, you would hit it again. Okay. So that as long as you have something to counter act.

Autumn (39m 15s):
Yeah. So all, if you were a ghost or something, if you're already dead. Yeah, definitely. You have to, yeah. Something short of being able to magically here and be a goddess so that, you know, maybe it lasts a day or two and then fades and you heal it. It, it grows back. Yeah. So I think I just made it useful and I think that's the conclusion of that. Okay. I'll let you have that one. All right. So there was still in the worst of worst of the worst for this coming. I'm ready. I know that.

Autumn (39m 57s):
No, I really liked this number one. It is so stupid. I can't believe it. This is also from the list of D and D Spells. Oh. And I found the more you use the spelled it wrong. So it's called the chest dies. So this is when you don't have the time to speak, to tell someone, what do you really think about them? Okay. You can cast a spell and it will take care of it for you. What are those? The satisfaction of that. And then also what was pointed out on that list is that you would actually have to speak the words, you know, to cast a spell.

Autumn (40m 43s):
So you could just go tell them what you're saying. I'm not even sure. I'm not even sure how you're going to save any time because you have to speak anyway. I guess if there's travel involved that keeps you from having to go see them. I assume you can cast it. So at a distance, I don't think so. Oh, jeez. What is it also said that the extra piece of information was that the spill also only works on people who actually offended the spell caster. Oh, right. So we could only watch the, somebody who offended you. And it only works if you're basically standing in front of them. So you have a choice about just speaking back to them or say, speak some words and cast a spell, and then the spell was big back to them.

Autumn (41m 26s):
But one of the So here at 26. Can you make it on repeat? So it's like, it's just driving them insane for an hour or that could be worth it depending on how much they pissed you off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, but I just don't know for this one. I, I dare you. You can

Jesper (41m 42s):
Not find a single situation with this is useful.

Autumn (41m 45s):
I am struggling. I have to admit short of being able to have a repeat button so that you can harass someone on with it. It doesn't say anything about it.

Jesper (41m 53s):
A repeat button. You can invent things to me.

Autumn (41m 57s):
So I get it. But this year as well, you're not sharing your spill coding. All right, fine. Oh, I know. I have to do. Yeah. I have to say, I think that one is USELESS so there you go. I do really don't know what to do with that, but it wasn't that it was not me thinking, Oh, well that's pretty. It was a USELESS I have to admit. Okay. Okay. Good. All right. Let me hear you one. All right. Well, this is again, this is this one fit. The definition is that right now? As far as I know, I've made it up. I don't know if it exists, but this is the one Magic system that I could come up with that if it existed, I not only don't want to have Magic.

Autumn (42m 41s):
I might be part of the rebellion and the resistance to destroy Magic so you're ready for this one. Yeah. All right. So what actually gives you the ability to have a new use? Magic is a parasite. So the only way to have magic is to have this thing living inside of you slowly growing and feeding off of you until it kills you and small larva burst from your skin to infect, waiting, apprentices. It's just going to go more and more of it that I don't know how I can work on it a little bit more if you'd like it. I think that's plenty.

Autumn (43m 22s):
Oh. But yeah, I think if that was the way Magic worked, that I might actually try to annihilate it. That's just wrong. So how, how long does it take before this worm kills? You know, I didn't come up with that timeline. I have to admit, I was thinking if you have to hide to give to someone maybe a couple years, but look it up because then a month. Okay. How powerful our you during these couple of years. So let's see. That is something, Oh, I didn't want to build that. That was a good question. I would imagine that probably towards the end, when you're like nothing more than a shriveled husk, you could cast them really nice potent Magic because you're mostly magical parasite at that point.

Autumn (44m 2s):
I mean, as the parasite grows in you and your Magic ability, it should become stronger. So you can do it,

Jesper (44m 8s):
Turn yourself into a glitch in the end and then you will become,

Autumn (44m 13s):
Oh, I don't know. But I can see now I'm starting to find your freedom. I'm just wondering how that would affect the parasite. Because once you don't have the parasite, you'd have to bond with the parasites. Some Well somehow, otherwise you want to have Magic and it would fail. So you have to test this a lot before, you know, getting of these parasites in your system. Oh yeah. Oh my God. That's pretty nasty. Thank you. I tried really hard for you. You know? It was, it felt like a horror story, almost a dark Fantasy. Why not a little horror. FANTASY okay. People. That was a really bad spill.

Autumn (44m 55s):
So Magic Systems I don't know if that was useful at all, but maybe, hopefully it made everyone laugh or they got to think about you or do something and they kind of considered before, like what their Magic Systems smells like. Yeah. True. So which one is the worst? One of the more that I don't know, I have to say for the most USELESS being able to just chastise someone is kind of silly, but doesn't get the running T cup thing. Why or why would you do that? I don't know. Those are definitely the most USELESS. Yeah. Yeah, because I mean, I really like you a bad one there.

Autumn (45m 40s):
My parents age. Yeah. Your parents hide, but at least during those years, it is useful, useful, useful. I mean, you can do a lot of stuff during those. Yeah. It will kill you, but you can do a lot of the stuff. That's all right. But I was going for worst Magic Systems so I think for worse. Yeah. I, like I said, For, if that was the way Magic worked, I might go to be pretty good at killing parasites. I would be a Magic parasite Hunter. What would it be? Kind of fun actually to write, but, Hmm, damn. Huh. Yeah. I have a suggestion for that. Okay. All right. What is it? What if we split at this one? And so that we say we're Magic system is you are a parasite one and the worst spell, is it okay? I will go for that. We both get to be crowned winners for this one.

Autumn (46m 24s):
Yeah. Yeah. It was my, it was my suggestion. Now are you regretting, you gotta learn to share or I guess so. Okay. So next Monday we get back to a bit of a more serious topic as we are discussing the seven steps of story structure.

Narrator (46m 46s):
So if you like what you just heard, there's a few things you can do to SUPPORT THE AM WRITING FANTASY PODCAST Please tell a fellow author about the show and visit us at Apple podcast and leave a rating and review. You can also join Autumn in Jesper, on patrieon.com/AmWritingFantasy for as little as a dollar a month. You'll get awesome rewards and keep The Am Writing Fantasy Podcast going to stay safe out there and see you next Monday.

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